Frrrreeeezzziiinnggg

I do not remember being this cold - I am going to crank up the jacuzzi here soon. You can come over as long as you wear your bathing suit, hehe. Good news - I lost 7 pounds in 4 days - just think how quick it will come off when I am actually trying (in 22 days).

Today was hard, my friend. I was very emotional and very aware of the fact that I am not pregnant. It seems like every Christmas song was about a baby (maybe it's that Jesus I keep hearing about???). We took a lady out to lunch today for her going away party and I literally had to leave the table because I could not stop tearing up. It's hard when only a few people know what happened and everyone else thinks I'm mental! Oh well - I've learned the hard way not to tell others as it is just that much harder. I know I have been bad about blogging and I will get better as soon as I'm not exhausted. I started another class this week and I hate it more than the last one.

On the bright side, I have the best son any mom could ask for and he makes me proud every day. I would do anything do protect him from hurt and pain - ANYTHING. I only wish I could. I am very blessed and thank the Lord every day for my blessings. Please pray for me tonight - I don't want to feel so alone anymore. Are we meeting at the gym this week? I am going to sign up. Thanks for everything! xoxox

Could it be?

I got a date tomorrow! Woo hoo - and you are sooooooo jealous!

I bet he'll let me have a cherry slurpee if I want.

Monday 12/8/08

I am really tired. Instead of writing this blog, I am going to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I can hardly wait to see you at the gym this week.

xoxxo!

Friday, snowy Friday

Thank God my party is over. I had the work people over for a get together and it was very fun but I am physically and emotionally drained. I went shopping today and was in line behind a couple with the cutest baby - I lost it and had to leave. I hope that stops soon.

I am too tired to be creative and hopefully too tired to have dreams when I sleep. I am going to take a long jacuzzi bath and put on my new socks :) Tomorrow we are going to the musical, "It's a Wonderful Life". I wonder if I'll end up sobbing at the end like I do watching the movie? Crying is good. It's all good.

Hey Logan, you haven't blogged in 2 days. Tool.

Thursday

Today was a great day!

I am thankful for....

my beautiful son
my adorable dog
parents that love me
a brother that protects me
the bestest friends in the world
a trainer that digs me
snow on the ground
Vick's vapor rub (hehe)
a job
a house, even better, a home
the ability to forgive
the intelligence to never forget
compassion
a voice to be heard
the ability to stand up and dance when I thought I would be down forever
enough sentimental music to help me shed a tear and reflect
the courage to know the best is yet to come
the fact that working out does not start for another few weeks
unlimited slurpees until Jan 5

Wow, I'm blogging!

I never thought I'd see the day....it's funny how things turn out way differently than you ever expected. Although different does not necessarily mean bad either. It's a beautiful snow-covered night and the lights are shining reminding me of being a little kid. My Justin is having dinner with his wonderful father and I am alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could deplete all of the memories in my head and start over. But then, I would forget all of the wonderful blessings too.

I made a new friend who seems to have been sent to me from the angels. He's going to whip me into shape but also serves another purpose. Logan, are you my new lifeline? :) I'm sure I'll need to call you during the middle of my life (how much do you charge for that?). Thank you for your encourgement and for this great idea - I feel better already. You better blog me back so I do not feel like I'm talking to myself.

I have to decide how best to use this online masterpiece. I don't want it to be a diary cuz I would bore myself. I also don't want to have someone go back and read it and think I was crying out. How do you look forward when the past will not go away. How do you tell people how you feel without appearing weak? How do you cut off ties without appearing heartless? How do you go to sleep without hearing the same song over and over again?

This is my favorite time of the year and I feel like I am wasting it by feeling hurt and angry and confused. Every minute I will try and heal just a little bit more - next Christmas will be fantastic. I need to figure out a way to make this Christmas worthwhile.

Logan is going to make me stop drinking cherry slurpees........the sadness returns!! :)